a) the two-glass wine hypothesis will prove to be correct.
b) events are very tiring, especially one hour lunchtime readings where you have to keep talking for exactly ONE HOUR. This is a long period of time. Don’t expect any sympathy for this.
c) it’s OK if only your parents turn up. Seriously. And remember this doesn’t reflect on you; it reflects ON SOCIETY AROUND YOU. Think this as you go over your two-glass wine limit. At lunchtime.
d) you never know what event organisers will do, such as decide to include a random poet in your event, who cries at her own poems. If this happens, don’t expect any questions from the audience and don’t expect anyone to buy any books.
e) never try to leave a music festival at 7 am on the Sunday morning to go to another festival. You will want to cry. You will cry. You will miss seeing New Order.
f) there are actually mosquitoes in Wales, and they bite through tights.
g) a one person tent is meant for one person.
h) it’s perfectly OK to BYO wine to events.
i) if you do too many readings, you will certainly get Event Fatigue. This is similar to Compassion Fatigue. You will certainly never want to open your book again. You may even be cruel to it.
j) Swansea is very far but you can get there and back from Manchester in a day.
h) Throckmortons’ Festival has its own butler
i) if you spend a weekend at Throckmortons where you don’t even have to pour your own drinks, your nail polish won’t chip at all
i) Boris Johnson’s dad is a really nice guy
j) you tube recordings of you reading are a bad idea. But there is nothing you can do to stop their proliferation.
k) don’t attempt to drive yourself to events. At some point you will actually be driven by a chauffeur. Unfortunately, it won’t ever be in a limousine.
l) if anyone takes a photo while you are reading, you are going to look like a goldfish:
(c Paul McVeigh)